What a Dream Means..
Last night, I had a dream of a loose tooth. I hope it doesn’t mean
anything – anything bad especially. I know I shouldn’t worry about it
too much, but this just brought me to what happened few months back.
June 2nd, 2007 we were scheduled to leave Utrecht in the morning and
head to Duesseldorf for a football game. I was excited. Duesseldorf has
always been one of my favorite spot in Germany. There are few reasons:
Starbucks and great shopping center. And that weekend, I was just
planning to look for my wedding shoes/sandals.
Like other ordinary days, I don’t really care
about my cellphone unless I hear it ringing. And when I was about to
walk away, I wondered if I should take my recharger with me. So I
checked my cellphone at before 11, and saw my mom’s text message:
“Ass. Wr. Wb. Ragil say, ada berita duka, Pak Rahim meninggal tadi pagi jam 11:20 di RSPI..”
“Ass. Wr. Wb. Ragil honey, I have a bad news, Pak Rahim passed this morning at 11:20 in Pondok Indah Hospital..”
and I went hysterical.
Pak Rahim was like a godfather to me. Everything that was on my mind seemed to disappear. There was only him
there. Even though we were never close to each other, deep inside I
knew we were always close at heart.
I used to stay at his place when I did my internship in Kuala Lumpur.
He was a very wise dad. He didn’t exclude me from his family, he
treated me like his daughter. I still remember sitting and eating
breakfast on the same table, he brought me to good restaurants to eat
with the whole family, he brought me outside KL to see the countryside
of Malaysia, as well as to his daughter’s graduation, he also the one who
brought me along to see Indonesian students outside KL.
remember my argument with my dad, of how I wanted Alm. Pak Rahim to be my
wedding witness. My parents were happy, my mom almost told him or his
wife about how I wanted him so much to be my witness. Until one day my
parents called and said that we couldn’t do it that way. My dad and
Alm. Pak Rahim both work for oil companies. They were negotiating a
deal at that moment, so if the oil people knew/saw that Alm. Pak Rahim
was my witness, the good deed would’ve been misunderstood. I was very
upset, he was the only person I wanted to be my witness. I couldn’t
thank him enough for all his kindness.
I was practically full of
tears on our way to Duesseldorf. I just couldn’t believe it. I was
thinking so hard, remembering him so much and what I was doing that I
didn’t see it coming. Then, everything just started to fall into place.
That morning, I suddenly woke up. I checked the time, it was
6:20 am Dutch time. Jakarta is 5 hours ahead.. and that was 11:20, the time he slipped away. I couldn’t believe it..
Duesseldorf would never be the same again to me. Walking was hard, like
I was carrying big stones with my feet. Crying was inevitable, even though I
escaped it in front of other people. Most people would say I was
“tired”. Yes, I was just tired of having to believe what I didn’t want
Waking up the next morning on Sunday was different, I felt like my life
would never be the same again. Waking up was something I felt I didn’t
want to do, having to face the reality again. A reality of losing
someone I expected the most on my happy day, one day that was supposed
to be one of the happiest days of my life.
That morning, I slowly remembered what happened earlier in May. I had a
dream losing my tooth. Superstitiously, in my country, it means
someone was going to die. I was worried, and maybe scared. I told
Zeeshan, “someone’s gonna die”. I was also thinking if I said it
outloud, that it wouldn’t come true.
I was wrong. The dream and what I said to Zeeshan was the first
thing that came to his mind, the time I broke the news. And I didn’t
remember it until a day after. Few days before Alm. Pak Rahim died, he
got admitted in ICU, and I didn’t remember anything about the dream.
One thing’s true, we must never go ahead of God.
I still remember
a lot of things about him. What he said, what he did, and how much he
cared about me too. And a day where he practically, literally
called me “daughter”. And I still can’t believe it. I actually saw it coming. One person I wish the most could be the
witness of my wedding, is gone, a month before my big day. He was like
a support to me. Back then, I was so broken.
February – March 2007, I went back for my wedding preparation and
was supposed to leave March
15th, 2007 for Zeeshan’s birthday on the 17th. But God had another plan
for me. March 14th, when we were celebrating my Dad’s birthday, we
received news that my cousin Kiki was in a coma after a motorcycle
accident in East Java. I was ready to leave for NL until midnight. I
spoke to Zeeshan on the phone and realized how I wanted to see my
cousin so much. I was thinking if one day he didn’t make it, at least I
had paid my last respect to him. Zeeshan agreed to that, he didn’t mind
I missed his birthday. So I woke my parents up and the next day, the
day when I supposed to leave) we went to change my ticket (luckily my
mom knew one of the airline’s managers, things went easier because of
My dad arranged tickets and we would fly to Surabaya on the 16th, in
the morning. Unfortunately fate had a different story to tell. March
15th 2007, my lovely cousin Kiki passed around 4 in the afternoon.
That, I didn’t see it coming. I was sad I didn’t have the chance to see
him, but somehow glad that I made the right decision of not flying
back. Glad that I had the chance to come to the funeral.
Two losses in a year was too much. In addition to that, a week
before the wedding, Zeeshan lost his grandmother (my condolence goes to
all family) – we didn’t know until several days after the wedding. What
a wedding we had, although we were very happy, before and after I was still mourning.
Somehow, it takes a great loss to actually realize how much we love people around us.